resigned

i’m writing this on the new ommwriter app/widget/whatever

i’ve used something like this before

i can’t remember what it’s called

i wrote a 55-page long essay on sastra indonesia online on it

put it up on blogspot

was pretty garing

i wrote it as a letter to my friend @holiday_sendiri

i used to write a lot of letters

when i lived in australia

and i was really depressed

i really missed jakarta then

i used to write ten-page letters to my friend @lollypoep

i don’t think she really liked reading my letters

i think it freaked her out a bit

 

i wanna change this stupid fucking hippie music with napalm death

but then i’ll have to buy the more advanced version

that’s tibetan zen mahayana usury for you

 

office de tourisme

di kemang aku berjalan jalan di piazza del duomo

melempar pisang bakar kena baling baling kincir angin di den haag

berlari lari mengitari place de la concorde

isirahat sebentar di bawah tur efel

berpikir tak terlalu lama tentang hidupku yang dhedhel dhuwel seperti luxor

sebelum melanjutkan perjalanan terseok seok

ke zagreb

pre-war soaking/iron hearts

soak hearts in boiling hot water

no need to turn hearts inside out

smear obenauf lp all over hearts before soaking to prevent cracking

hang-dry hearts on a clear morning

do not tumble dry hearts unless you want creases in unwanted places

wear hearts when wet to jumpstart evolution

hearts are never ready to wear everyday

*hearts are made of one-washed unsanforized feelings, when washed hearts will shrink. please keep this in mind when choosing your path in life. hearts will also stretch inside up to 1.5″ after approximately 30 wears.

gadis winnipeg*

i deliberately bought a return ticket to the pages of a novel you once bought me. i could still see the historical digs of the Story of Us inside those pages, neatly laid out in a conservation site, as if the corrupt regional governments of my country will never run out of foreign funding. in those pages i could finally see what you once told me, a good book is a book of two stories, the story of the book and the story of the owner.

i am happy. we did write our own story. i would like to believe the story lives on, somewhere. a story of you reading a story from a favorite book to our child. a story where you are happy. a story where you tell me your darkest secrets. a story that begins with a nervous you waiting to see me for the first time. a story that ends with you knowing there was no reason to be nervous.

i regret buying the return ticket because i was afraid immigration officials will hassle me if i turn up in your country with a one-way ticket to winnipeg. i like the way we were being honest to each other in winnipeg. we were displaying the kind of grand honesty that can stand the test of time without the help of sand and cement, just like the temples we once visited in solo. going home means having to lie to myself again that everything will turn out alright, in time.

look at me. look at us. and tell me that there is nothing we could do but go our own ways, keep your chin up as they say, as if love is nothing but a trade.

*translation of this. made by request of @gadisbekasi herself.

le petit standard bourgeois gentilhomme (reprise)

i read all 454 pages on the superfuture sugar cane thread to get the best fit for my 1947

i will stay true to size for fear of recriminations from darahkubiru masters

sizedown 2 for instant ridicule

understand too that i had gone through hell to get the perfect multivar for my vespa s125ie

and i still haven’t got the foggiest idea

of the difference between kiprok and laher

so many things to understand

so many conventions to conform to

no time to get perfect honeycombs

by standing still

heartbeats

this is a sort of a reply to you period aku ingin berjalan malam-malam denganmu comma menghitung tiap cobbled stone dengan detakan jantungku period aku akan membelikanmu poppy seed bagel di sebuah toko kelontong yahudi di le marais comma

mari mulai lagi period mungkin kau ingin mengunjungi le pure café comma tempat ethan hawke dan julie delpy saling membohongi diri sendiri di awal before sunset period oh how cliché! period but cliché works in paris comma as does blue sky comma sandstone buildings et parapluie comma

mungkin lebih baik kita menonton electroma di racine odéon comma non?

sesungguhnya comma aku hanya ingin mencecap parfum manis di antara buah dadamu comma di kamar honeymoon kita yang bau bawang di hotel rimbaud comma

period.

le village du chien

saya setuju sama sekali dengan review dogville @lolipopsuper. terutama bagian life sebagai a series of reward-and-punishments, exchanges, barters, give-and-takes, you give, i take, and take, and take, and take, and take, ad infinitum.

saya hanya ingin menambahkan bahwa grand narasyong moral lars von ngefet di dogville adalah bagian dari trilogi kotbahnya tentang cinta. dogville adalah bagian ketiga setelah breaking the waves dan dancer in the dark.

cinta bagi von ngefet mungkin tidak selamanya berbentuk seperti sebuah transaksi rempah-rempah voc. breaking the waves mengeksplor nasib c.i.n.t.a. yang selfless. hasilnya, emily watson, si mother theresa of lovers, metong digang-bang. film berakhir dengan apotheosisnya di sebuah kapal nelayan. oh iya, keselflessnessan emily watson mengambil bentuk bercinta dengan orang asing kemudian menceritakan detil-detil percintaan itu kepada bekas calon suaminya yang tiba-tiba lumpuh dan tidak bisa ngaceng lagi. itu memang permintaan si laki-laki sado ini, this is the year of living vicariously!

dancer in the dark sebaliknya mempertanyakan apa yang akan terjadi jika cintamu selfish. björk tetap ingin bayi yang dikandungnya lahir walaupun ia tahu anaknya itu akan mewarisi kebutaan(cinta?)nya. hasilnya björk mati di tiang gantung dengan soundtrack yang sexy.

jadilah kemudian grand narasyong tentang cinta yang dingin, sinis, dan pesimistis di dogville (dog-vile?). bisa dimengerti mungkin von ngefet berkesimpulan keterlibatan dan komitmen emosi yang terlalu dalam pada c.i.n.t.a. hanya akan berakibat pada kematian (perasaan?) yang mengenaskan, lebih baik buka toko online di multiply.

ok, saya harus mengaku sebuah personal interest. saya menonton dogville pas sedang mengalami sebuah tragedi percintaan. singkat cerita, bekas pacar saya begitu murka kepada saya sehingga reaksi orang jika saya menceritakan cerita yang susah disingkat itu, biasanya akan berupa, “buset, psycho abitch.”

tapi menurut saya bekas pacar saya itu tidak psycho. setelah menonton dogville saya jadi berpikir bahwa kita memang tidak bisa mengira-ngira reaksi orang terhadap aksi kita, apalagi dalam cinta. mungkin diputusin adalah sesuatu yang biasa-biasa saja bagi saya, tapi mungkin tidak bagi pacar saya, mungkin bagi dia itu adalah masalah hidup dan mati(nya saya). pokoknya, saya merasa, memang tidak bisa mengontrol reaksinya terhadap aksi saya, saya tidak bisa mengontrol reward atau punishment apa yang akan saya dapatkan, itu di luar grand narasyong moralitas saya sendiri.

jika waktu itu bekas pacar saya itu ingin membunuh saya (and don’t think she didn’t want to!), saya juga tidak bisa berbuat apa-apa. ya, bisa menghindar, tapi saya tidak bisa bilang, “ya elah ga perlu sampai segitu juga dong.” saya tidak punya hak untuk menentukan punishment saya. tidak ada semacam monetary atau trading system yang menentukan exchange rate percintaan, bahkan yang fluktuatif sekali pun.

that’s why waktu nicole kidman meminta james caan bokapnya menggenosida the entire population of dogville rasanya pertama-tama mungkin lebay, tapi kemudian sepertinya memang harus begitu.

von ngefet. ckckck.